


Trial And Error

by red_special_specialist



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kash and Ned Are Mentioned, M/M, Multi, Trauma, mentions of statutory rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28707747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_special_specialist/pseuds/red_special_specialist
Summary: Tami can't stop thinking about what happened between her and Marcos. When she goes over to the Gallagher house one day, she ends up finding a little bit more about Ian's past trauma, and is concerned when he doesn't seem to find anything wrong with it.Set a few days after the events of 11x04.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Lip Gallagher/Tami Tamietti
Comments: 22
Kudos: 228





	Trial And Error

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of working on my two wip, I decided to write this after I saw the newest episode of Shameless. Hope you like it, and thanks for reading!

It was around one o’clock when Tami decided to finally roll out of bed.

She stayed in a little later than she usually did, but it was fine because she didn’t have a shift at the salon today. So, she used that to her advantage to get some much deserved rest. She wanted to say that it was because Fred had been keeping her up, and that’s why she’d been sleeping less over the past few days, but in reality, it ran much deeper than that. It was about Marcos.

Tami never thought of herself as a victim. Even when her mom died, she knew she had to stay strong, for her dad, and for her sisters. Losing the love of your life was hard, having to take over as the mother figure was harder, and Tami knew the way to make it easier on Cami and her dad, was to pretend like everything was ok, like she wasn’t dying inside. She had to pretend there wasn’t a huge mom shaped hole that was ripped out of her heart. She knew she had to be strong. She had to make things better for her dad and Cami, while also setting an example for Cori. It was her duty to do that for her family. She remembered sitting next to her mother’s death bed, while she laid there in her final days. She made Tami promise that they’d take care of each other even after she was gone, and Tami wouldn’t let her down. She made a promise.

The loss of a family member held a considerable amount of weight, Tami thought about this as she brushed her teeth. She thought about how alone she felt in the months after her mother’s death. She thought about how everything had changed, and suddenly her sister was the mom she never asked for, and her father kept his attention on Cori and his work. For a while there were no more family game nights, no Saturday shopping days with Cami at the mall, and no baking bread with mom on Sundays. The last one hit the hardest because there never would be again. Everything was different, and it had gotten worse, and Tami felt the grief weigh her down like an anchor was tied to her feet and she was being pushed off the edge of a ship that was already sinking. She was drowning, and holding it all in, only to come home at the end of the day, shut herself in her room, and let all her sadness leak out onto her pillow, as she cried herself to sleep, hoping she’d wake up and it all turned out to be a bad dream. It never did.

The only solace Tami had was her music teacher, who was always attentive, but was especially attentive after the passing of her mother. Marcos would always be there with a shoulder to cry on, and of course Tami took it, because he was kind to her, and he said all the things she wanted him to say. He listened to her about her sisters, and her dad, and how it felt to lose her mom. He gave her the comfort she so desperately craved, and he said he loved her, and she felt special. After months of her mother being gone, she finally felt something that wasn’t pain and sorrow, but something that she never thought she’d feel again. But it was all just a cruel joke, wasn’t it? She wasn’t in love; she was being groomed. She was being preyed on by her teacher, and she fucking fell for it. She was so vulnerable, even to this day she didn’t realize it until she saw Marcos with that girl. Did her parents know? Did the school? How many other girls did he do this to?

That was it, wasn’t it, Tami thought, spitting out her mouth wash, and walking back into the room to get dressed. How many other kids were out there like her? Those who were vulnerable, and afraid. Hell, some probably thought it was ok. That’s what’s been keeping her up at night. How many people did she know who had something like this happen to them? Cami? Cori? What about Debbie? Sandy? If it happened to Tami, it could have just as easily happened to someone she loved. What about Fred? What if he grew up to find himself in the same situation? Tami shuddered thinking about it.

Tami sighed, and slipped on a tank top and jeans, before making her way into the kitchen, where Lip was feeding Fred lunch.

“Hey, there’s mommy,” Lip cooed at a grinning Fred.

“Hi, baby,” she smiled, kissing Fred on the head. She then turned to Lip, pecking him on the mouth, “Hey, other baby.”

“You slept pretty late.”

“Yeah,” Tami said, putting on a pot of coffee, “I was tired. Thanks for letting me sleep in.”

“No problem.”

Tami tried to ignore the gentleness in his voice. She knew he’d been tiptoeing around her since the Marcos incident. She appreciated it, but she wasn’t fucking made of glass.

She stepped over to the fridge to open it, and was disappointed to find all the milk was gone, because of course it was. “Uh, the milk?” she asked, lifting her head up to look at Lip.

“Used the rest of it to make Fred something to drink earlier.”

“Right,” she muttered, shutting the door, “Guess I’m walking to the gas station.”

“Hey, just go grab some from my family’s house. It’ll save you a trip to the store. I’ll go buy some after I put Fred down for his nap.”

Tami nodded, “Ok. What are the chances the milk is spoiled again?” Like it had been the past couple times Tami tried eating a bowl of cereal at the Gallagher house.

“Well, it’s my family’s house, so I’m saying fifty-fifty.”

“Guess I’ll take my chances,” she said, going over to kiss Lip goodbye, before stepping towards the front door, “Be back in a sec.”

“Got it,” Lip said, as Tami walked out into the sunny Chicago morning.

When Tami walked through the Gallagher kitchen, she saw Ian leaning against the washer, eating a bowl of cereal. He gave her a head nod of recognition, as she shut the door behind her.

“That milk any good?”

“Hope so.”

“Well, you’re still eating it and not throwing up, so I’m gonna go with yes,” she smiled, opening the fridge, and grabbing the milk, “Need to borrow this for coffee. I’ll bring it back later.”

“Sure.”

“So,” Tami said, trying to make conversation, “Mickey said you two were going into business together.”

Ian rolled his eyes, “I’m just tagging along to make sure he doesn’t get his ass thrown in jail. I kinda want to be married at least a year before that happens.”

Tami laughed, “You don’t think he will, will he?”

“Not if I have anything to say about it. If he gets locked up again,” Ian paused, staring down at his now empty bowl, “I don’t want to think about it. Don’t want to be away from him again. It’s happened too many times before."

Tami could sense that was a particularly touchy subject. She didn’t know all of Ian and Mickey’s history, just that they hooked up as kids and they couldn’t stay away from each other after that. Tami thought it was romantic, them being high school sweethearts. Though, she could also tell that being together that long, they both carried a lot of baggage. Tami watched as Ian put his bowl in the sink, as she thought of a way to salvage the conversation, “A thousand dollars a day, right?”

“That’s what they said.”

“Well, that’s certainly a plus.”

“Yeah.”

“You must be excited about working with Mickey a little bit. He is your husband after all.”

Ian smiled a little, “I guess.”

Tami smiled back, “See?”

“Heh, yeah. It might even be like old times.”

“Like what old times?”

Ian’s smile grew a little wider, “Oh, just when we were teenagers and still hooking up, we both worked at a convenient store together. I worked there first, but I helped him get a job as security.”

“Aww that’s so sweet.”

“Yeah. It took some major convincing on my part because that’s the place he got shot.”

“Ok,” Tami’s smile faltered, “A little less sweet.”

Ian waved his hand dismissively, “He kinda walked into it. My boss found out I was hooking up with Mickey, so Mickey came back to taunt him, and then he shot Mickey in the leg. Mick was fine, but he got hauled off to juvie.”

“That sounds scary.”

“It was at the time. I mean, I stayed with him as long as I could, but I had to beat it before the cops came. He’s fine, we’re fine, y’know?”

“Still, that’s a little fucked up. Your boss shot Mickey because you were having sex with him. I get that it was in his store, but that’s no reason to shoot someone. What, was he like super homophobic or something?”

“Nah, he was just pissed cus’ I started fucking Mickey, while I was still fucking him. He got all jealous and shit.”

That made Tami stop short. She blinked a few times, letting the words Ian said play over in her head. There was no way she heard that correctly, “What?”

“Yeah, I had a thing with my boss. His wife found out about us though, banned him from having sex with me until he got her pregnant again. I got with Mickey, because Kash was out. Besides, I didn’t want to keep doing it. It started getting weird after we were caught. I felt I don’t know, dirty?”

“How old were you?”

“Fifteen.”

Tami’s eyebrows raised, “How old was your boss?”

“Like thirty-six.”

“Thirty-six?!”

“Yeah?”

“Oh my god,” she whispered, feeling nauseous. It made her think of Marcos all over again. It made her feel sick to know Ian had to go through that too. She reached out and grabbed his hand to comfort him, “I’m so sorry, Ian.”

Ian gave her a confused look, “About what?”

“About your boss taking advantage of you.”

Ian barked out a laugh, pulling his hand away, “Kash never took advantage of me. If anything, it was the other way around.”

“No, Ian it’s ok. I just recently found out that the relationship I had with my high school teacher was all fucked up. I was seventeen and he preyed on my weaknesses, because of what happened when my mom died. I understand how you feel.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Tami,” Ian said sincerely, “but I think you got it all wrong. Kash and I were just having sex out of convenience mostly. I mean I did care about him a lot, but I knew what I was doing the entire time. He never manipulated me.”

“Ian… you were fifteen.”

“So?”

“So, that’s illegal, like six to thirty years in prison illegal. It’s ok if you still have mixed feelings, but you have to know that what happened to you was wrong.”

“Tami-”

“Look, up until a couple of days ago, I would have agreed with you, but I didn’t realize until I had my own mistakes quite literally staring back at me. I know now that my relationship with Marcos was wrong. I was young and vulnerable.”

Ian gave a deep and exasperated sigh, “I get that, but I’m telling you that wasn’t the case. Also, I’d really like to drop this conversation now.”

Before Tami could answer, she heard the front door open and shut. She then saw Mickey waltz in carrying two plastic bags.

“Got your smokes,” he said, tossing them to Ian, and then handed him one of the bags, “plus your Pringles and Arizona Iced Tea.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, man,” he said, setting down the other bag on the counter. He looked back at Ian and Tami, and then furrowed his brow, “The fuck is up with you two?”

“Nothing,” they both said at the same time.

“Actually,” Ian said a second later, “Tami and I were just talking, and I was explaining to her how you got shot at the Kash and Grab.”

“Shit,” Mickey rolled his eyes, “You tell her how you just flailed around like a little bitch, and then ditched me when the cops came?”

“Oh, fuck off. You know why I left. If the cops found me wrapped up in that shit, there would have been a DCSF visit for sure. Couldn’t do that to Fiona, especially with my mom being back. Besides, you were stealing.”

“It was a fuckin’ candy bar, man. You act like I held the fucker at gunpoint. Good thing he had shit aim.”

“Yeah, Tami here said that my relationship with Kash was wrong because he took advantage of me. Can you believe that?”

“Uh, yeah, I can. The dude was a fuckin’ pedo, Ian.”

Tami’s heart broke when she saw the confidence slip from Ian’s face.

“What?”

“He was a pedo. A kid fucker? Plus, he _shot_ me.”

“I wasn’t a kid, Mick.”

“Bullshit you weren’t a kid. All freckly and baby faced at fifteen. That sick fuck knew what he wanted. He could have gotten his rocks off anywhere else, but he decided on you, and then when you moved on, he got all jealous and shot me, and then he fuckin’ up and left. Left his kids, left his pregnant wife, left you. Dude didn’t care about you, Ian.”

Ian’s face went from confused sadness to anger, “Yes, he did, Mickey.”

“Yeah, just like that geriatric cared about you, right? Ted?”

“His name was Ned,” Ian gritted out, “Also, don’t start shit about him. I’m still upset about his death.”

“Why? He was just another old perv trying to get into your pants.”

“No, he wasn’t! He was nice to me, and he took me on dates.”

“You were sixteen, Gallagher. He was like what? Sixty? Seventy? He only cared about one thing.”

“I’m not getting into this with you.”

Tami looked back and forth between the two boys, realizing that she might have opened a can of worms unintentionally.

“Whatever, man,” Mickey said, “I’ll stop, but you can’t tell me that what you had with those two was normal.”

“That is what I’m saying.”

Mickey raised his eyebrows, “Ok then. So, what you had with Kash was completely fine? Him being like twenty years older than you that was like a thing you were into, right?”

“I- no- I, fuck, It’s more complicated than that.”

“No, actually, it’s real fuckin’ simple. You were his employee; he knew he could have easy access to you without getting caught. Once you stopped letting him hit it, he lost interest and left. It was never about you, Ian. It was about him.”

“You’re wrong.”

“So, if you were in his shoes, and you had some fifteen-year-old kid working for you, someone a few years older than Liam, you’d stick it to em’?”

Ian’s face scrunched up in disgust, “God no.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s a kid.”

“And you weren’t?”

“I-” Ian’s words caught in his throat.

Mickey folded his arms, “Exactly.”

Tami watched a small realization pass over Ian’s face. He looked so upset and afraid. Tami felt awful because she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut. It was just that when Ian told her he’d been in a similar situation, she wanted to connect to him. She had no idea he was this deep in denial. She saw Ian’s face harden instantly as he glared at Mickey, who was still leaning against the fridge with his arms crossed.

Tami wanted to fix the mess she caused. It was her fault Ian and Mickey were fighting right now. Her and her stupid mouth that couldn’t just leave well enough alone. So, she tried to comfort Ian again, putting her hand on his arm and giving it a gentle squeeze, “Ian, it’s ok. You don’t have to relive your moles-”

“I wasn’t fucking molested!” He yelled, ripping his arm away from Tami. He stomped over to the stairs, and then turned back to both Tami and Mickey, who were now wide-eyed.

“Stop it! Don’t you two fucking stare at me like that! I wasn’t fucking molested, I wasn’t raped, and I definitely wasn’t taken advantage of! So, both of you shut the fuck up, and mind your own business!”

Tami could feel tears welling up in her eyes, “Ian, I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.”

“Well, I don’t want your fucking help! So, both of you stop being so fucking judgmental! What I had with Kash and Ned were relationships, ok?! I wasn’t some high school girl with daddy issues, or someone who’s dad made him fuck women to turn him straight! So, get off your fucking high horses!” and with that he stormed upstairs, presumably, to his bedroom.

Tami stood there shocked. Ian had never yelled at her like that before. She looked over at Mickey who was now glaring at the stairwell. She then remembered what Ian said. Her eyes went wide, “Mickey,” she said softly, and he turned his head to her, “did your dad really do that to you?”

“Drop it,” Mickey snapped, and his voice was so cold and unattached, that it basically gave Tami her answer. Mickey rubbed a hand over his face, “Thought today was gonna be a good day between us. Now I gotta go deal with this shit. Thanks a fuckin’ lot.”

“Sorry,” she said again, this time quietly and more to herself. Fuck, she felt like a broken record at this point. She watched Mickey make his way up the stairs, leaving herself alone in the Gallagher kitchen. She let a few seconds pass, before leaving, not even remembering to grab the milk.

When she got back home, the kitchen was empty. She found Lip and Fred playing with some of Fred’s toys on their bed.

“Hey, look who’s back,” Lip said, but his brow furrowed when he saw the state that Tami was in, “Is everything ok?”

Tami shook her head, as more tears started to leak out. She rubbed at them furiously. She didn’t want Lip to see her cry. She wanted to be strong like she was for her mom, but the truth was that Tami wasn’t strong. She was fucking terrified.

“Hey, woah, hey,” Lip said gently, getting up to wrap his arms around her, “Tami, what happened?”

“I didn’t mean to make it worse,” she sniffled, “I was really trying to help.”

“Help what?”

“Help Ian.”

“Ian?”

“He got so mad,” she whispered.

Lip guided her to the bed, and they both sat down. Fred immediately crawled over to Tami, looking up at her with a deep frown on his face.

Lip stroked his hair, “Hey, bud, mommy’s ok.”

Tami nodded, and picked Fred up to cuddled him in her lap, “Mommy’s fine,” she said, kissing the top of his head.

“Tami, what happened with Ian?”

Tami didn’t know if she should say. Did Lip even know? Ian seemed so flippant about it when he first told her. She just decided to come straight out with it, “Lip, did Ian have a relationship with his boss when he was fifteen?”

Lip’s face went hard then, and Tami was afraid he’d start yelling at her too. Instead, he just nodded, “It wasn’t a relationship though. It was some perv fucking my little brother.”

“How did you find out?”

“Basically walked in on them after one of their freezer fucks. They were both wearing one of each other’s shoes, and I kinda made the connection. How did you find out?”

“He mentioned it, but he talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world.”

“To Ian it was. You’ll never be able to convince him otherwise. I sure as fuck haven’t been able to do it.”

“And then Mickey came in, and they got into this big fight about it, because Mickey wouldn’t take his side, and then he just blew up on us. He said what he had with his boss was normal. Also, some guy named Ned.”

Lip groaned at that name, putting his head in his hands, “Fucking Ned.”

“Who was he?”

“My older sister Fiona’s boyfriend’s dad. He was like twice as old as Kash. Ian was only sixteen.”

“Jesus. How did you find out about that one?”

“When one night he stayed in our house and climbed into bed with me half chubbed thinking I was Ian.”

Tami started to get that nauseous feeling in her stomach again. It was no secret that Lip, and his family, had very difficult lives, especially when they were younger. Tami would hear stories from Lip’s youth and be humbled by how well adjusted both her parents were, even after her mom died. This, however, this was something that Tami couldn’t just shrug off. It was all the shit with Marcos coming back up, and her feeling so stupid and so powerless to do something about it, even now. Then come to find out that Ian had gone through the same thing, and Tami couldn’t help him either. He didn’t even want help.

“Hey,” Lip said, gently shaking her arm, after a moment of her not saying anything, “you ok?”

“Yeah… no.”

“I get that it might be hard to hear.”

“You guys were just kids,” she said softly.

“So were you.”

“This isn’t about me.”

“If that were true, then you wouldn’t be as upset as you are.”

“You don’t know that,” she mumbled, wiping at her eyes again.

“Look, I know what it’s like to be taken advantage of by a teacher.”

Tami furrowed her brow and looked at him, “What?”

“It was in college. We had an arrangement going on, but when people found out, shit hit the fan. That’s how I became an alcoholic, which was why I got kicked out of school. Helene got fired, and at the time I thought it was all my fault, and I thought I ruined a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere anyway. She had a husband and a kid, and to her, I was just a fling.”

Tami put her hand on Lip’s shoulder, knowing that what Lip was saying was hard. It was hard to admit you were taken advantage of. That people were able to use you.

“After we got caught, she wanted nothing to do with me. I loved her. I thought it shouldn’t have mattered, and I thought it was my fault for what happened to her. I thought it was different than what Ian had been through, because I was an adult when it happened, but I guess age is only one of the ways someone can fuck with you like that. She was my teacher. She should have known better.”

“You’re right, she should have.”

“Y’know, Ian doesn’t hate you, right? You didn’t ruin anything between the two of you, or him and Mickey. Hell, I’m sure they’re both banging one out right now. Just give him time to cool down. He’ll get it eventually, I think. That revelation won’t come from talking to you though, or me, or even Mickey. He has to realize it himself.”

“I guess.”

“Also, you’re not dumb or weak, because that asshole groomed you back in high school. You didn’t do anything wrong, Tami.”

Tami shook her head, “I let Kelly leave. Do you think her parents even care that their daughter is with him?”

“What could you have done in that moment, Tami, honestly?”

“I don’t know, but I should have said something. My mom would have. She’d be so disappointed in me if she were here now.”

“Hey, don’t say that.”

Tami felt hot tears run down her cheeks, “She’d know what to do. She always knew what to do. I- I miss her.”

“I know.”

“Do you ever miss your mom?”

“No,” Lip answered honestly, “but my mom wasn’t much of a mom to me. I know Ian does though, he was always the closest with her. He loved mom a lot. I guess that’s something you two have in common.”

Tami nodded and smiled, wiping her face, “Thank you, Lip.”

“For what?”

“For listening.”

Lip smiled, “Hey, not only me, but Fred too.”

Tami’s smile widened, as she picked up Fred to pepper kisses all over his face, “Of course. Thank you, Freddie.”

“Mama!” Fred squealed with delight.

Tami set him back down on her lap when something else crossed her mind. It was what Ian had said about Mickey in the kitchen. How Mickey reacted when Tami asked him about it.

“What?” Lip asked, seeming to notice Tami’s mood shift.

“Uh, I just remembered something Ian had said.”

“Yeah?”

“It was about Mickey.”

“Ok?”

“Something about Terry making Mickey sleep with women to turn him straight.”

Lip straightened up. His face became unreadable, “Oh.”

“Know anything about that?”

“Yeah.”

“When I asked him about it, he told me to drop it.”

“Then drop it.”

“But-”

“You can’t tell anyone, Tami. Not about that. Only Ian and I know, and Mickey doesn’t even know that I know.”

“So, it’s true? Terry Milkovich just moved right next to them. Is it even safe for Ian and Mickey to be there?”

“No, but I trust them.”

“And I can’t say anything to anyone? He made his kid go through corrective rape, and I have to keep my mouth shut about all this shit?”

“It isn’t your shit to say.”

Tami bit her lip; she knew he was right. She sighed, “It just sucks.”

“Life sucks.”

Tami rolled her eyes, “Very profound.”

“Sometimes the truth is simple,” Lip shrugged.

Tami nodded, mulling over Lip’s words. Suddenly it clicked. She knew she shouldn’t have tried to make Ian talk about his past. She definitely wasn’t going to try with Mickey. It made her feel awful, because whether she like it or not, the Gallaghers, Mickey, Sandy, Kev, and V, were her family. A family with a lifetime of problems that Tami couldn’t possibly comprehend, and wounds that were no business of hers to open back up. She knew the Gallaghers could handle themselves, but that didn’t mean Tami had to be silent about what happened to her.

She handed Fred to Lip, “Here,” she said, before getting up and walking into the living room. She paced around the room a few times, trying to build up the nerve to do what she was about to do. She then grabbed her wallet and phone off the kitchen table.

“What are you doing?” Lip asked, holding Fred on his hip.

“Getting my shit, and then I’m going to the police station. I’m going to tell them about Marcos and Kelly, if that’s not enough to put an investigation out on him, I’ll show them the emails he sent me back in high school. I’m going to tell them everything.”

“What if the police don’t do anything?”

“I’ll tell the school. I’ll go to the school board, and I’ll tell her parents. Fuck, I’ll tell my dad. I’m not staying silent anymore. I didn’t do it when I was a kid, because I didn’t know any better, but I can do something now.”

Lip nodded with a hint of a smile.

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m just proud of you… I know your mom is too.”

Tami stopped, her hand on the front door, “Thank you,” she said, before stepping out onto the porch. She wasn’t going to stay silent. She knew she couldn’t help Ian or Mickey, but she could help Kelly. She could help herself. And that’s exactly what she was going to do.

* * *

Mickey trudged up the stairs, not even going toward his and Ian’s room. He knew the best thing to do was let Ian calm down, but also, he was kind of fucking pissed Ian would just say that shit in front of Tami. No offense to Tami, but Lip might have to find a new girlfriend if she ever opened her mouth about what she heard.

Mickey continued to stew about it, as he took a shower. He hoped that the water would calm him down, and luckily it did. Once he finally felt calm enough to walk through the bedroom door without taking Ian’s head off, he toweled off and made his way to his room. When he entered, he saw Ian on the floor doing sit ups.

“Jesus Christ,” Mickey muttered, opening one the drawers to put some boxers on.

“Have something to say?” Ian huffed out.

Mickey rolled his eyes, “No.”

“Good. Not talking to you anyway.”

“You’re talking to me right now, bitch,” Mickey snapped, as he slid his blue checkered boxers on.

“Whatever.”

Mickey was getting pissed again. He seemed to be pissed most of the time now, and his anger usually involved Ian. It fucking sucked because it was never like that before. And he knew Ian felt it too. Ian was always in a bad mood these days, and Mickey couldn’t help but think Ian regretted getting married. It scared Mickey. He never wanted to divorce Ian, no matter how much the redhead was getting under his skin. He knew the anger and shit would pass when they got more stable, but it still worried him. He knew in his heart that Ian didn’t want to call a quits either, but Mickey couldn’t get the thought out of his head.

The morning had started off surprisingly good. It started with morning blow jobs, and watching the new season of Big Mouth, before they flipped a coin to see who would make a gas station run, since Ian wanted snacks and they were running low on smokes. Mickey lost and begrudgingly got out of bed, slipped on his clothes from yesterday, and then left. It all went downhill when he came back to see what looked like a fight between Ian and Tami. He had to ask. He had to run his fucking mouth about Kash and Ned.

Fucking Kash and Ned. Both of those pedo fuckers could rot in hell for all he cared. Fuck them, and fuck Ian’s feelings about them, and fuck Ian, and fuck his stupid eighty-seven percent. Mickey was angry again, glaring at the floor.

Ian didn’t make it any better, when he said, “Are you just going to stand there like an asshole all day?”

Mickey’s head snapped up and was happy to see Ian’s own glare falter. Good, he should feel fucking bad, “Was planning on it, yeah. If it bothers you, you can leave. Go fuckin’ cry about how mean I am to your brother or somethin’.”

“Fuck you.”

“Or maybe go find Tami and tell her a bunch of shit about me she doesn’t need to know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Uh, just thirty minutes ago? When you told her that shit about my dad?”

Ian stopped then. He looked up at Mickey wide-eyed, like he just realized that he had said it, “Oh shit.”

“Oh shit, is right. You had no right to tell her that, Ian.”

Ian was quiet for a second, before saying, “I was upset. I didn’t mean to say it.”

“I don’t give a shit!” Mickey snapped.

Ian was back to glaring again, “Yeah, of course you don’t. You don’t give a shit about anything.”

Mickey pinched the bridge of his nose, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean you don’t care about _anything_ ,” Ian got up then, stepping up to Mickey. He got in Mickey’s face, “You don’t care about getting a legitimate job, you don’t care about getting a new place, you don’t care about going back to prison. I’m trying my best to get it through your thick head, that I don’t want this fucked up life anymore. I just want to build a better one with you. You act like this marriage means nothing to you, like you don’t care.”

Well, that was something he didn’t expect Ian to say. How could Ian think he didn’t care about their marriage? Mickey felt tears prickle in his eyes, and he fucking hated it. He hated crying.

Ian seemed to have realized he went too far, “Mick-”

“You think that I don’t care about this marriage?” Mickey’s voice was soft. He pushed past Ian and sat on the bed. He put his head in his hands, trying to stop himself from crying. Shit, he really was sensitive. Mickey felt the bed dip next to him, and Ian’s hand rubbed at his back.

“I’m sorry,” Ian said, “Mick, please look at me.”

Mickey wiped his eyes, and then looked up.

“I’m sorry.”

“I do care.”

“I know.”

“I feel like you don’t.”

Ian furrowed his brow, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, man. I just feel like sometimes you hate the guy you married. You don’t like me for me anymore.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you’re pissed off at me ninety percent of the time now. You didn’t even want to get married at first. I had to fucking trick you into it.”

“Mickey, you didn’t trick me. Of course, I wanted to marry you. I still want to be married to you.”

“Married to me, or the person you want me to be?”

“Married to you, dumbass. I love you.”

“Right, you just want me to be someone I’m not.”

“No, I just want you to not get arrested. How fucking hard is that to understand?”

“How hard is it to understand that I won’t? Don’t you trust me?”

“I do, but you never know what’s going to happen. I just want to live my life with you.”

“Well, I want you to stop controlling mine. What the fuck is your obsession with me getting a real job and us getting our own place anyway? We’re married either way.”

“Because adoption agencies won’t even consider us, if we both don’t have legal jobs or our own place.”

That was it. That was what Ian wanted. Mickey should have guessed that, shit, he hadn’t brought the kid thing up since their wedding day. Mickey shouldn’t have assumed Ian had stopped thinking about it. Mickey sighed, “You think that would stop adoption agencies from rejecting us?”

“It sure would help.”

“Ian, there’s about a handful of different ways we can get a kid. We don’t have to adopt one.”

“Fine, what happens if we do get a kid? You want them growing up like we did?”

“No.”

“I just want to be happy.”

“You’re not happy with me?”

Ian gave him a look, “That’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean that all I ever wanted was to be better off than I was growing up. Every chance I got though, no matter how hard I tried, it all fell to shit. I never got to be an officer at West Point, I’m never going to be an EMT again, and the only thing else I’ve ever really wanted was to have a family with you, but it seemed like the world would always try to tear us apart. Now, I have you, but if you go to jail then it would be just another thing that I love being ripped away from me.”

“Shit, Ian. I’m sorry.”

“I know you think I’m being a hard ass on you all the time, but I’m so fucking scared of losing you, Mick. And I’m sorry that I said that shit about your dad in front of Tami, but I was so angry that you were acting like Kash and Ned should mean nothing to me. I loved them at one point.”

“I know.”

“I mean, you, Lip, and now Tami. I’ll never hear the fucking end of it. Poor defenseless fucking Ian, being tricked by these pedophiles. I knew what I was fucking doing, I was old enough to handle myself.”

“It was illegal, Ian.”

“Oh, now you wanna talk about the legal aspect of it, mister moral compass?”

“Yeah, when it comes to fucking kids.”

“I wasn’t a-”

“Fifteen, Ian. You were fifteen. He was your boss. He had a wife. He had kids. When you stopped fucking him, did things go back to normal? Was he nice to you like he was before, or did his attitude change when he realized he wasn’t getting anything from you? What about when he left? Also, that Ned guy. He ever try to contact you after he kicked you out of his apartment? That’s what happened, right? You were manic, so he dropped you.”

“ _Stop_ ,” Ian’s voice broke, “Please, Mickey, stop. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

Mickey sighed, “Alright.”

“Thank you.”

Mickey scooted up onto the bed, laying down, “C’mere.”

“No, Mickey. I’m not having sex with you right now.” 

“No, it’s not like that, man. I want to hold you.”

Ian stayed still a moment, before he said, “Ok,” and then laid down next to Mickey, draping himself over him, and burying his face into Mickey’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, bringing his hand up to stroke Ian’s hair, “I won’t talk about all that shit if you don’t want to, but if you ever do, you can talk to me. I’ll try to not be such an asshole about it. Also, I’ll try my best not to get caught. I don’t want to be away from you either.”

“Ok, Mickey,” he said, and Mickey could feel his neck start to get damp from Ian’s tears.

Mickey kissed the side of Ian’s head, “I love you, Gallagher.”

“I love you too, Mick.”

They stayed like that for a while, Mickey rubbing Ian’s scalp gently. He thought about what Ian had said, about wanting to be happy. Mickey knew that Ian was always on that search for something better, though he never would have dreamed that Ian wanted him to be involved in that plan. Mickey wanted it too. He knew that all the shit they were dealing with right now, would be distant memories soon, but Mickey guessed that he needed to listen to Ian, because Ian’s feelings mattered. Also, he shouldn’t be so callous about Ian’s past, because Ian wouldn’t learn that way. One day, Ian will wake up and realize what happened to him was wrong, until then Mickey just had to wait and be there for Ian when he finally does.

After a few minutes, Mickey said, “Wanna hear what I think our future will be like?”

Ian raised his head a bit to look at Mickey, “Didn’t think you thought about it.”

“Yeah, I do. All the time, actually.”

“Ok, let’s hear it,” Ian said, before putting his face back into Mickey’s neck.

“It’ll be a few years from now. We’re both off parole and you somehow manage to go back to being an EMT. I bought us a house with the money form the security job, and now I’m workin’ as a bouncer for some bar on the South Side, or somethin’ like that. I got my GED and everything, man, and we got our hours set up to where we can see each other most of the time. Our house is nice too. Nothing fancy, but its got a big backyard, which is great cus’ we got dogs, and we love them. We also got kids, twin girls. I don’t know, Sandy or someone offers to be a surrogate, and we’ll use your sperm, cus’ I want little redheads runnin’ around, man. Hell, maybe I called up Svetlana and we get Yev on the weekends. He loves his little sisters, and he’s a good big brother to them. Their names are Iris and Isla, and they got your red hair, green eyes, and they’re covered head to toe in freckles. In the summer we’ll have barbeques and your whole fucked up family can come over, and we’ll have our own grill, and we won’t have to worry about no food, or no money, or my dad trying to kill us, because that fuckers dead, and he won’t bother us again. We’ll be happy. We’ll raise our kids together, and retire together, and grow old together. That’s what I want our future to be like. I think about it all the time, man.”

“Fuck, Mickey, I want that too,” Ian murmured into Mickey’s neck. He sounded like he was almost asleep.

“We’ll get it, Gallagher. One day.”

“Ok, Mick.”

It didn’t take long after that, for both of them to fall asleep in each other’s arms.


End file.
